Funky Monkey Farms

Where Happiness Grows on Trees

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Closed Thru 2017

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  1. We are closed for 2017 due to Hurricane Harvey.

The Greens Are Glorious!

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If you crave salads, we’ve got just the solution for you.  Right now, our celery, lettuces, chard, beets, radish, kale, mustard, collard, turnip and cabbage greens are sweet, luscious and chemical free!  Let us know if you’d like some greens, or maybe a little kohlrabi or cauliflower to go with that salad?

Is Modern Eating Killing You? Our Experiment

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Just like you, we’ve read all the recent warnings about too much sugar and how bread is bad for us.  How can bread be bad?  Humans have eaten it for thousands of years.  We were very skeptical about these new findings because back in the 80’s, when the government think tanks told us peanut butter caused cancer, we gave up listening.  Over the years, the government has informed us that eggs were bad but now they’re good.  They told us canola oil was good and now it’s bad.  I could go on and on with the food warning flip-flops but you know what I mean.  You’ve read them, too.  So, frankly, we’ve always just done our own thing, trying to eat right, thinking “low fat” and “high fiber” were the way to go.  In the back of our minds, we were puzzled by why a lot of “old timers”, who ate tons of bacon and eggs and made their own food, lived mostly disease free, long and full lives while our present population is lazier, sicker and fatter than we’ve ever been.

In May 2015, we watched an eye opening video on You Tube by Dr. Robert Lustig.  In the video, Dr. Lustig discusses the science behind sugar and what happens inside our bodies when we eat it.  We also read “The Grain Brain” discussing gluten’s affect on our systems once its swallowed.  If you do nothing else in your life, please watch this video and read this book.  And no, we aren’t getting anything from anyone by saying that.

In May 2015, we decided to experiment with the sugar/gluten thing.  Since we’ve always cooked, mostly avoided eating out, watched the dessert intake, and canned, dehydrated and grown vegetables, we didn’t expect much change.  Boy, we’re we wrong.  In a nutshell, we went gluten and sugar free.  It wasn’t easy because the time commitment and learning curve is steep, but if you can get past that first few weeks of “withdrawals” and “what are we going to eat” questions, you’ll be amazed at what you discover. Keep in mind, we’re old farts, not young 20 somethings who probably won’t relate to this next paragraph. 

To date, each of us has lost 30 lbs without trying.  Joint creaks and pops gone.  Acid reflux gone.  Skin glows.  Hair shines.  Nails grow strong and fast.  No more headaches.  No more migraines.  Yeast and fungal infections gone.  Sleep drastically improved.  Hello energy!  Where have you been?  Blood pressure way down, lower than “normal”.  Moods elevated.  There’s LOTS more but reading our health history is sort of gross, we know, so we’ll spare you the embarrassment of going any further.

How did we do it, exactly?  We took what we thought was a healthy lifestyle and cranked it up to overdrive.  Everything we consume is from basic, scratch ingredients, locally sourced where possible, and only made by me where possible.  We eat volumes of dark leafy greens.  We tossed the processed oils and use coconut oil, lard, and butter.  We gave up hard liquor and soda entirely.  We drink reverse osmosis filtered water from our own filtration system with citrus from our trees for flavoring.  We mill our own gluten free flours, make our own nut milks and nut butters (think brown rice flour, almond milk and peanut butter). We eat our own organic eggs, chickens, nuts, fruits and vegetables.  Our meats are grassfed.  We buy raw milk from the neighbor farmers’ grassfed cows and goats and make it into dairy products.  Oh My God.  Raw milk and cream are the best tasting things EVER.  Did I say EVER?  Try it.  We make our own wine and mead from our own trees and all baked goods are gluten free.  Although Nate consumes sugar in moderation, I try not to eat carbs or any added sugar at all, limiting fruit to one whole orange per day.  I track my sugar intake on “my fitness pal”, a free online food tracking program, to keep it below 10 grams daily and keep the carbs (from vegetables and one orange) to under 20 grams daily.

In other words, we try to replicate eating as it was 200 years ago. Yep, it’s a part-time job.  Yep, it’s a lot of work.  And yes, it’s more expensive.  Is it for everyone?  Only if you want to feel great and live without big pharma and the medical industry.

Would we go back to modern eating?  Never again.  We’ve tossed all prescriptions and said goodbye to the manufactured food and medical industries.  We firmly believe that they don’t have our best interests in mind.  Does this make us weird?  Probably.  Are we better off?  You bet your life.  And that’s exactly what you’re doing every time you eat the way you do.



A Christmas Wish From Funky

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Christmas is not about stuff and it’s certainly not about rushing around, checking tasks off of lists.  It’s too easy to buy something, without any thought put into the item, just to cross another task off a list.  And then the receiver does the phony “Oh!  It’s wonderful!” and then feels obligated to reciprocate.   Does Aunt Martha really need more cheap perfume?  When is the last time you saw Uncle Tony using those battery-operated socks?  This is not the spirit of Christmas, folks.

Funky may be  old-school, but he firmly believes that all gifts should come from the heart and that means homemade.  Do you bake or make great lasagna?  Can you sew, paint, or glue seashells around a framed photograph of someone they love?  What about writing a letter (not an email or a text message, you know, the real kind using a pen and a piece of pretty stationery) telling someone how much they mean to you?  Can you change tires or fix a screen door?  How about the entire family volunteering at the animal shelter?  These are the sorts of gifts that mean something and will be treasured for years.  And the “Oh! It’s wonderful!” exclaimed by the recipient will be for real.  As for you, the warm, tranquil feeling you’ll experience is like no other and it certainly doesn’t come from a store.

Funky’s wish for everyone this Christmas is that they stop for a moment and think about what the season really means.  Leave the retailers out of it and give of yourself, not your wallet.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!


Why We Do What We Do

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Funky's Blue Ribbon Salsa

It started as an idea, a concept really, to grow a wide variety of real food that tastes great.  The idea stemmed from Funky’s dissatisfaction with store-bought produce – every thing from e coli bacteria contaminating cantaloupes and green onions to waxy cucumbers and flavorless, mushy tomatoes.  Funky knew he could do much better and be healthier because of it.  That’s how Funky’s idea blossomed into his little farm and now he combines his produce with other farmers’ yummies into awesome CSA baskets, just for you!

At farmers’ markets, you’ll find only Funky’s homegrown produce.  We’ll post our market schedule a little later, after the crops get bigger.  Funky looks forward to meeting you!

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Funky’s Philosophy

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1.  Eat more fruits and vegetables.

2.  Try new things.  Quit smoking.

3.  Be kind to animals.  How you treat animals reflects your true character.

4.  Tell someone you love them more often.

5.  Gave hugs, kisses, and compliments freely.

6.  Remember that it’s not about how you look or what you have, it’s about who you are inside and what you do that matters most.

7.  Read books.  Every day, learn a new word from the dictionary and use it.

8.  Smile.  Say “Please” and “Thank you!”.

9.  Learn to cook.  Heating pre-made food is not cooking.

10.  Small minds gossip.  Creative minds think.  Expand your mind and you’ll expand your possibilities.

11.  Do what you love.  What other people think about you doesn’t matter.

12.  Share.

13.  Stay in school.

14.  Don’t be so quick to grow up.  Once you’re an adult, you’ll wish you were a kid again.

It took Funky almost half a century to learn these life-lessons and collect this wisdom. He hopes it won’t take you nearly as long to practice and share his philosophy with others. 


Farming is a hot, dirty job!

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There’s holes in my shorts and more in my chones,

     you should hear my pitiful end-of-day groans!

Bugs and weeds and bird poop and bees,

     are certainly the cause of my dirt-stained knees!

Sometimes they’re purple, other times they’re black,

     manicured fingers I’m quite sure I lack!

And sweat, so much sweat!  Take a look at my curls.

     Oh, that’s right, I forget I’m a girl!

With stings on my legs and lots of scrapes, why do I do this?

     Just to play with the apes?

Once a lawyer, perhaps a fool?

      There was never any time to splash in the pool.

Billable hours, billable hours, the clock ran my life.

     The drudgery, the angst, early morning till late night.

I work more now, seven days a week,

     it’s so much fun, I forget to eat!

The work is hard and physical, but in the grand scheme,

     it’s turning my fat office butt into something more lean!

Make-up and perfume and heels no longer for me!

     I gave them all up for Funky’s menagerie!

Alas, now a farmer and keeper and grower, you see. . .

     I can say that’s precisely how it’s supposed to be!


This silly jingle was composed by our goofy farm manager one day, while putterin’ in the greenhouse. 


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Fall Planting Delayed by Rain

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Hey Y’All,


 Funky’s been getting cute little emails from fans wanting fresh produce before November.  We just adore our loyal customers and want to thank you for choosing us for your eating pleasure.  Check it out – we’re trying to plant up the fall garden now but the darn rain (13 inches in the last 14 days) and the hundred gazillion mosquitoes are making it impossible to finish our tasks!  It looks like our November harvest will be delayed.  We’re trying but the ground is just too wet to plant.   If you drive by, you’ll find us out there covered in window screen, spraying DeepWoodsOff and sweating up a storm, all while stomping in the puddles.  Just wave and shout “HELLO!” to Funky’s Puddleducks!

A Lesson On Roses

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Funky’s always had a soft spot for roses.  His California gardens bloomed non-stop with hundreds of tea rose bushes in a kaleidoscope of colors.  When he moved to Texas, he was told (by someone who he thought was a great Houston area gardener) that he couldn’t grow the tea roses he loves so much and planted another “brand” of roses popular here.  After missing his teas something terrible, he got brave and planted a few last year, just as a test.  They did just fine.  No bugs, only a smidgeon of powdery mildew (nothing a blast of baking soda couldn’t cure) and lots of sweet smelling blooms.  This month, Funky’s planting 69 teas, all around the pool.  The lesson learned?  Never say never!

Now This Is Just GROSS!

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Funky was recently at a store that sells produce.  He was perusing the unappetizing selection of veggies when his jaw dropped as he stood in front of the Bok Choy and Brocolli display.  He couldn’t resist snapping this pic just to show you what DISGUSTING produce comes from the store.  No, this wasn’t the “throw away” bin.  This was displayed, along with everything else, to entice you to spend your money and make a yummy dinner.  Seriously?  Why would anyone buy this stuff?  Why do you?  And we don’t even want to know what’s on that broccoli!  Cause guess what?  If our produce EVER looked like this, it would either go in the compost bin or to the chickens!  We would NEVER  consider selling something this disgusting.  But the stores do……..just food for thought! 

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